Dear Santa
by Otaku Sae
Summary: Harry Potter and Co. are writing to letters to Santa. Just what does Harry want for xmas? Does Hermione believe in Santa? Who does Draco love? Is Ron stupid? What about Voldemort? Madness ensues...
1. Harry Potter

A/N:

Hee hee... I was feeling bored so I wrote this. It's not even that funny but it was my random thoughts strung into sentences :P...happy reading!

On with the fic...

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Dear Santa,

I am Harry. Harry POTTER. I'll tell you right off the bat that you don't really have a choice whether you are bringing me what I want for Christmas or not. If you don't, I'll jump off a cliff and Voldemort will take over the world and kill all the good children and you won't have a job! Ha Ha! Beat that! In your face! Well anyways, here is my Christmas List:

-A FireBolt Inifinity

-A quidditch set with all the pieces made from gold and silver and studded with lots of jewels

-A superman outfit! After all, I am THE Harry Potter flashes sexy grin

-A six pack...I NEED them Santa! Give them to me! I need them to save the world! Or all the good kids are DOOMED! And you'll be out of business!

Then your elves will go on strike!

-Autographs from the entire Chudley Cannon's team

-A fanclub...I need to get lots of love and support SOMEWHERE! So give me a fucking fanclub! With lots of hot girls!

-Sirius! HE MUST COME BACK TO ME! SIRIUS LOVE! COME BACK!

-A lock of my love's hair...oh Severus Snape! I love you baby! I need that lovely HOT greasy oily slimy hair NOW!

-Dudley's head on a platter

-Uncle Vernon's head transfigured into a rats ass

-Aunt Petunia joining those pratty long necked giraffes in the zoo...WHERE SHE BELONGS! Btch!

-My face on one of those chocolate frog cards! I'm the boy who fucking lived! I deserve it!

-Those pink and purple spandex shorts Uncle Vernon wouldn't get me

-A HAREM! Oh yea!

-A pair of contacts (I know that you are thinking that I am handsome with glasses anyway and why thank-you for that! But I would look even better with contacts. Don't you think? Yea!)

-Scratch that! Lots of normal contacts and coloured ones! Yea! Glasses are too lame for my hot self!

-A pair of mismatched socks so I don't have to waste my own money on that silly house elf Dobby

-Free plastic surgery for Hermione...she needs it! I can't have one of my best friends looking so mousey! And it would make me look bad if I stopped being her friend!

-A brain for Ron, he makes me look good with this stupidity but I need you to give him enough of a brain to stop getting on my nerves!

-A ministry blocked spell administered on my wand...then I can turn that snobby prat back into a ferret!

-Oh and!! CHO CHANG!

Well Santa...I didn't really ask for much, you should be able to manage! Now GET TO WORK! I NEED these REALLY soon! Or I swear I'll jump of that bloody cliff god dammit! Bwhahahaha! XD

Your Idol and Hero,

Harry James Potter

P.S Hermione said you are not real! So go ahead! Don't give me my stuff! I'll jump of a cliff AND tell the world that you're a fake!

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A/N:

Next up is HERMIONE! Heh...hers will be better! I promise! PLEASE REVIEW! I'm a review WHORE! Lolz! Wait...didn't Hermione say that she didn't believe in Santa? What's up with that? Read the next chapter! Then you'll see .

XOXO...Otaku Sae


	2. Hermione Granger

**A/N: Okay…here's the next chapter! Thanks for reviewing! happy reading:D :D**

**IMPORTANT! HERIMIONE'S COMMENTS FOR HER WISHLIST ARE GOING TO BE IN BRACKETS**

**EX. – a book (I love books! Duh!)**

**Hermione is confident. She doesn't seem to mind her hair; if she did she would straighten it. She could do it really easily with a charm, a ceramic straightened or have it done at a salon but she chooses not to so, all joking aside, this chapter does somewhat reflect what I think she thinks about herself, so am not a Hermione hater but without OOCness it would just be boring. Besides…it's fun to make fun of your favourite characters! And your least favourite ones too! **

**Yea I know I haven't updated in a long time. And sorry if this chapter is a disappointment runs to a corner and starts wailing…but the boredom hit me really bad and I felt the need to do SOMETHING…ANYTHING…so I ranted about random things…in the form of this chapter…enjoy AND REVIEW!**

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Dear Santa,

My name is Hermione Granger. Harry Potter's best friend. If it weren't for Harry Potter, Voldie would've murdered you ages ago! And if it weren't for his super smart best friend, he would've been to stupid and thick to have defeated him in first and second year. Oh, don't tell Harry I said that or he and Ron will ditch me again.

I have been really good all year.

There are many more good points about me that I won't be sharing with you because you are simply not worth my time! You are Santa Clause. Santa Clause hasn't been proven to be real, but he has be proven to be fake. Besides, if YOU were real, then tooth fairies would be too. I know for a fact that they are not real because I come from a very practical family where both my parents are professionals in the muggle world. I am assuming you are not a muggle. The logic behind this is, how else could you get REINDEER to fly?

Anyways, I had better get started on my list…

- A Grammar Perfectionist's Guide Collectors Edition Version 8 to correcting others (I am going to be editing this book! But my parents won't let me get it! They say I have too many grammar books! Honestly! I barely have two hundred. I am going to then write a letter to the company pointing out the flaws in the book. A Grammar Book should never have flaws. I also believe they made a mistake on chapter 6, the introduction, in line 4. How awful!)

- Ownership of the biggest libraries in every city/town. (books vary from place to place. It is also great to know I have so many books at my disposal. Okay, not disposal that would just be cruel! You could hurt these book's feelings! Oh no, wait, books don't have emotions. It is an inanimate object. Well most of them are anyway.)

- Irreversible silencing charms on Lavender and Parvati. (Those two never shut up! It gets so annoying! Their stupid high pitched giggly gossipy voices! Honestly! They don't even have good taste! Everyone know bushy frizzy hair is so in! They also think they can get Harry and Ron! How ridiculous! Everyone knows that they love me! And only me! Honestly! Deluded little bitches! After all, don't all the boys at Hogwarts love me? I am the epitome of perfection!)

- A large stock of sugarless sweets (Can't risk holes in my perfect teeth now can I? Too bad that Madame Pomfrey shrunk my buck teeth! They were oh so fashionable! Everyone knows that beauty is originality and uniqueness!)

- Rat poison (to slip into Ron's brat sister's drink! She is starting to become a potential treat to my beautiful self. I caught Harry, Dean and Seamus staring at her yesterday. Those poor deluded souls! They know that they want me! May I cleanse them soon!)

- How to Get Over Your Fear of Heights For Dummies By Wendy Mintz (Don't laugh, 'cause you know what? I know your secret! You have arachnophobia! I recommend the book, A Step by Step Guide Overcoming Arachnophobia For People With A Larger Build, By Alexia Wart. I do think that what they mean by "people with a larger build" is…FAT! And Guess what? It's a nice short book! If you sit down for a few hours, you'll be done! Its only 3000 pages long.)

- Stupid Boring Random Facts for Smart Prats Who have Nothing Better to Do by Random People (I'm sure that this book will be VERY fascinating! It will be great for some light reading! And it's only 20 000 pages long!)

Now, moving on to the most important matter.

- PLEASE DEFLATE CHO CHANG'S BREASTS!

Santa, I didn't really make any outrageous requests. So make sure you get everything on the list! No excuses...I will accept the gifts before Christmas as well. But rest assured. I won't open them until Christmas Day, for that is the proper way to do things, and the only way I find acceptable.

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**A/N: Our favourite sexy villain is next…TOM RIDDLE! (not the ugly old Voldie! I mean SEXY and YOUNG Tom Riddle!)**


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